Apr 30 2009
I think I am burnt out. I need a break, and I don’t think I am the only one. We all need it. Everything is a fight lately when it comes to anything the kids don’t want to do. Hopefully things will get better soon.
Apr 29 2009
I started reading a devotion by Greg Laurie this morning. I didn’t get far. The devotion began with:
Not only is God truth, not only is God holy, but the Bible also teaches that God is righteous. Holiness describes His character, while righteousness and justice describe how He deals with mankind.
In the book of Exodus, we read about Pharaoh, who hardened his heart…
I couldn’t read anymore. All I could think of was “Am I like Pharoah? Do I have a hardened heart?”
Most of the time I would answer “No.” But this time I couldn’t. You see I have hardened my heart to a lot of little things over time. I have lost my compassion for people, especially those closest to me. A stranger has had a better chance of seeing me sympathize than my own children lately. That is not the way it should be.
God showed me this now for a reason though. I think back to Pharoah. At first when Moses brought his petitions, Pharoah would harden his heart and turn back on his word. Then, it happened. Pharoah had passed the point of no return. God started hardening Pharoah’s heart. The thought of that happening in my own life terrifies me.
A hard heart is no good to anyone.
It’s time to start changing things…
Apr 27 2009
I’ve spent the day trying to finish school with all of the kids, and trying to get some of my paperwork organized. Once again I am so far behind it is pathetic. Is there a local Clutterer’s Anonymous I can join? What about Pack Rat’s are People Too? How in the world did I think I was going to be able to keep up with school for four kids? I have got to do better. Between schoolwork and bills you don’t even want to think about what my table and desk look like! Hence, me in the playroom with my kitchen trashcan sorting and tossing things away. The horribly depressing part is that I am only halfway done. Ah, the story of my life! Oh well.
Meanwhile, I have a renegade preteen who thinks he only should do what is easy and comfortable in this life. These things obviously do not include putting forth effort in school. And perish the thought… actually entail reading and thinking! Whatever would anyone think! I have had some skirmishes in past with him on this issue, but now it looks as though we are heading into a major battle, and I will be using my full arsenal of weapons! (Just kidding.. well I’m not going to fight more than I need to, and he is going to do what I say!)
There is also the matter of another son and his poor attitude. We are still working on that. I’m still praying, and I am doing my best to handle things with more grace and mercy. However, I am also determined to see an improvement. Keep praying please. It is much appreciated.
Well, off to finish some things around the house. The Knight will hopefully be home soon, and I think I might be needing to spend some extra time with my Dad soon. Please be praying for my aunt, my Dad’s sister. She is in the hospital and they called the family in this morning. Things are very uncertain right now…
Apr 25 2009
Last night I got to attend a program at a church in town. The Knight and I were videotaping it for some friends that are directing it. It was an interesting night. I have never seen the program though our friends did it at our old church a few years ago. So, it was nice to finally get to see it. I am very familiar with most of the songs in the program, so I sang along in the balcony as I was taping.
What grabbed my attention the most was the thought once again of cutting strings. You see as I watched this program I could envision the people from my old church who would have played certain parts. I could almost hear their voices during some of the songs. A few weeks ago doing this would have reignited feelings of resentment, anger, and bitterness for what might have been. But, and this is what was so interesting…last night none of those feelings emerged. I thought about old times, and at times mentally critiqued the performances with those of my old friends, however, I just took it for what it was. In the process I let go a little more.
God is doing something in me, and I can feel those hurt feelings soothing and being healed slowly. I am amazed at how and what God is doing. He is restoring me. He is reminding me of my purpose, of my call. He is allowing me to slowly begin to step into who He wants me to be again. For so long I have wanted to do things my way, and I’ve been angry when they didn’t work out. He has been patient with me and kind. He has worked on me one layer at a time.
As I listened to the music and the program last night, I realized how far removed I am from the person who heard those songs for the first time. I realized how much I have changed both for good and bad since that time. God hasn’t changed though. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. God knew what I was like all those years ago. He knew what I was about to go through. He knew what I would do in those situations. He knows the choices I am making now, and what I will do. He has already seen it.
Just like when Jesus let Peter know about his upcoming denial, He knows I am being sifted. Here’s the promise though, He also knows I will be more like Him once I’ve gone through this. That is what makes it worth it. One step closer to Him. One more layer refined. Thank you Jesus.
Apr 24 2009
I think going to church this past Sunday messed me up. Well, actually the last two Sundays, but this past one has been harder for me. I can’t get the disciple Peter out of my mind. Our pastor, Chris, focused on a switch in Peter’s life, one where he went from feeling remorse and guilt to having true repentance and being able to move on.
I’ve been thinking about that a lot. I’ve felt so much guilt, shame, frustration, you name it, over things in my life, and I’ve just never been able to let them go. Last Friday when everything hit the fan with Sportsguy I began to realize I have to give everything to God. I can’t keep trying to fix things on my own. Then Sunday Chris talked about the difference between Judas and Peter. He made the comment, “Yeah, Judas was filled with guilt and grief over what he had done, and he decided he had to fix it himself, again. So he hung himself. Some of you out there feel extremely guilty over things in your past and you’re trying to fix it on your own. How’s that working out for ya?” Ouch.
The difference is remorse versus repentance.
It all started to click a little at a time, and in fact I am still putting pieces together. But I began to realize I’ve been very remorseful of a lot of things. But, I haven’t truly given it to God and said only you can do this. I’ve haven’t experienced true repentance for a lot of things.
Pride is a horrible thing. There is a reason it was the first sin in heaven. I’ve always been quick to point out pride in others, and quick to admit I fall victim to it myself. But I’ve never done what was necessary to begin slaying the beast. I’ve never handed the sword over to the only one who can kill it. I’ve continually insisted on trying to poke at it myself. Now I know, I was never meant to slay this dragon. It is something only God can do. So in order to kill it, I have to let another fight it. I just have to be willing to do whatever God tells me to.
To live is self, to die is gain. I have to give up wanting things my way, and getting upset when they don’t turn out that way. Thank God, He knows where I am at and loves me anyway. Thank God, He is willing to meet me where I am. Thank God, He is willing to remind me of my purpose. Thank God, as much as I screw things up, He forgives me.
He is here right beside me willing to lead me places I have never dared dream. All I have to do is trust Him. I know that. Now comes the hard part…doing it.
Apr 23 2009
Well today is once again a catch up day. (Do I know how to have any other kind?) I’m trying to make a list of everything I need to do today, so I’m bringing back my to do list. (Yeah I know, exciting stuff there!) So on with THE LIST…
See, like I said, a lot of stuff to catch up on. Hoping I get it all done!
Oh well, once again I only got it half done. But hey at least it was a decent start, and I did get a good bit of laundry folded too, so it was a total loss!
Apr 21 2009
I’m so excited! The Knight bought me a new laptop! It’s a Toshiba Satellite. I am loving it, though I am having to get used to Windows Vista. (I’m not a big MS fan. I can take it or leave it.) So far I have gotten my email imported. I’ve still got to get my homeschool tracker loaded up, and I need to hook up to the printer on the desktop. But hey, one thing at a time!
This laptop has all kinds of things my old one could never dream of running! I think I went from 1 gig to 4 gig and my hard drive space more than doubled, I think. (Can you tell I am excited?) The Knight really surprised me with this one! I have known for a while that I was going to need to get one, but it wasn’t a got to do at this moment kind of thing.
Did I mention I love my husband? 
Apr 19 2009
I think we may have come up with a way to help Sportsguy. As his punishment for the way he acted at the park he has to help us work in the garden and yard. Yesterday he and I worked on the pitiful flower beds around our house. We pulled up weeds, battled fire ants, and pruned bushes. I would venture a guess that there were parts he didn’t like, but overall he did a good job. He even wanted to spend some time with his Dad and I when he was done. So at least it is a good start.
I’ve been reading another lady’s blog in which she’s dealing with prodigal son issues. I know in my heart of hearts if we don’t reach my son’s heart soon, he will go down that same road. But I also know that I can’t really do it. Only God can. My son is God’s son first. Knowing it and living it out are two seperate things though. But I have to trust. God knows, and He will see our son through. I pray He will just give us the strength and wisdom to get through…
Apr 17 2009
There is no other way to say it. I feel like a complete failure as a mother.
It seems like no matter what there is just no way to reach my second oldest son’s heart. He is probably my most compassionate child. But he is also my angriest child. I just don’t know how to reach him. Today we went to the park, and just as we were about to leave, he got angry at another kid, and hit him for no reason. This isn’t the first time he has lost his temper like this. I’ve tried everything. I just don’t know what else to do.
Would appreciate some prayers because I am at a total loss. I feel like the worst mother in the world. I don’t want to control my children, and manipulate them to get them to behave. I want to have an open, honest relationship with them. Truthfully, though, right now I am about as far from that as possible. Just wish I knew what to do…
Apr 16 2009
Well, today is a better day. It feels like someone has been under the weather at least some every day for the last few weeks, and today things seem to be better.
Sports Guy and I are doing school. The others are out and about with friends and family. We’re catching up/getting done with some lessons we weren’t able to finish earlier. It’s kind of nice to be doing school with one. I like getting to spend some time with him, and he doesn’t feel like he’s having to compete with the others which is especially nice.
Now if I could just get him to focus and quit guessing and rushing through to get done! 
