Ponderings In The Field of Grace

I’ve been watching more movies and reading more lately. In fact, I think I have read more books in the last few months than I have at almost any point since I got married. Twilight got me hooked again. It had been so long since I had read books just for fun. I think I’ve read the whole series at least four times now, and I’ve read the first two books of Harry Potter again, as well. Now I’m looking for something new to read, but I can’t make up my mind. Nothing really seems to grab my attention. I’ve always had a hard time finding fiction I like though. Even when I was a kid if I was reading, most of the time it was a biography or nonfiction. I have seen a couple of nonfiction books that looked interesting, but I’m still not quite sure. Who knows, maybe I will just get Sense and Sensibility? I’ve never read it, and I really like Jane Austen books.

As far as movies, I’ve been watching I think I have discovered a pattern. I love accents and romance. In the last few months I have seen:

• Definitely, Maybe-Cute
• Australia- Loved it
• Made of Honor-Exactly what you expect it to be
• Emma-Interesting
• Fireproof-Good but a little one sided
• Twilight-Good, but the book was better
• Jane Austen Book Club-Cute
• Pride and Prejudice- A favorite
• Chocolat- Terrific
• Bridget Jones’ Diary- Pretty good and funny
• Much Ado About Nothing-I’d forgotten how good Shakespeare was.
• Sense and Sensibility-Wonderful
• Elizabeth: The Golden Age- Good but not as good and the first.
• Elizabeth- Fantastic

We have a subscription to Netflix, and we absolutely love it. We average 3 movies a week for the family for around $20 a month. We were averaging $16 a visit to the local rental place. This service has definitely paid off for us. Can’t wait to get my next movie- On a Clear Day. (Yes another British movie!) Looks like it is going to be a good one.

Yesterday was hard. One of The Professor’s doctors is concerned about hypothyroidism. Unfortunately this means we had to get blood work drawn up for him. The Professor is deathly afraid of needles. I think a lot of it has to do with his autism. His doctor was understanding enough to prescribe some medicine for his anxiety and also get us some cream which would deaden the area getting stuck. The cream worked wonderfully. The anxiety medicine didn’t work at all. I was so thankful The Knight had taken time off work to be with us. If it wasn’t for him, and a fantastic lab tech I don’t think we would have been able to get anything.

I always feel so bad watching the kids go through things like this. He was absolutely terrified. I’m so thankful the cream worked and it didn’t hurt when he was stuck. I honestly don’t think he could have handled anymore. When everything was done, we took him to his favorite burger place, ate lunch and got milkshakes. Then it was off to the mall to hang out a while. As an added bonus, he got extra game time too.  (Can you tell I felt awful?)

For the first time in a very long time, I actually got all of my flowers planted before at least one of them died in the pot.  The Princess and I spent Tuesday evening planting everything. I have to say the kids have good taste! The red and orange lilies look beautiful on the side of the house next to the Wiegala and the hydrangea. I also put the daylilies in a spot next to the red lily. We filled in the flower bed at the patio with marigolds and vincas, and I got my Japanese hollybush planted too.

The garden is looking pretty good so far. There are even a couple of blooms on one or two of the tomatoes. The cucumbers, squash and pumpkins seem to be taking off well. I hope they do well. Praying we don’t have another drought this year.

The kids have once again picked up their bats, balls, and gloves and have headed out to the yard to practice their pitching and hitting. All of them are doing pretty well. When things slow down with work some, I’m hoping The Knight can help us get a pick-up game going. We should have enough players then. That would be a lot of fun.

Wow, yesterday was slam full of all kinds of interesting little things. I had to take The Professor to get his yearly testing done and visit his developmental pediatrician, try as we might that pesky autism is still there. Anyway, we get everything done at the medical university’s developmental pediatric clinic. The psychologist who does the testing is great. He and his wife homeschool 4 kids too. I was teasing The Professor and told him if he didn’t pass this test he was going to have to repeat sixth grade. He gave me a panicked look and then I told him I was just messing with him! He had nothing to worry about though. When everything was said and done his grade equivalency scores were fantastic, and he improved a great deal in his weak areas. Changing to BJUs Hard Drive program paid off for him in spades. We will definitely continue with it for him.

After that good news, we talked with his developmental pediatrician. She is a little concerned about some things, so he is going for an EKG and a blood draw later this week. I am praying things go okay. The Professor is deathly afraid of needles and being stuck with anything. His doctor got to see that for herself yesterday. He flew into an instant panic when she said the words “blood draw”. Thankfully though, she is sensitive enough to him to prescribe some medicine to relax him and to deaden the spot they will be drawing the blood from.

We are still up in the air about his speech therapy. I am trusting God still. I know He will do what is best for The Professor. I am hoping things will be be settled soon.

The other children are doing well. We are finishing up with school this week and next weeek. Then we are going to have a short vacation, and start back on finishing up the “leftover” stuff before the new year begins. So much to do. Praying I get it all done without losing my sanity in the process!

I had one of the best Mother’s Day’s ever! (Actually one of the nicest weekends ever.) I just wanted to say THANK YOU to my kids, my husband, my mother-in-law, my dad and my mom. It wouldn’t have been fun without them! I think hanging out with my mother-in-law in her backyard, and spending the evening at McAlister’s with my mom are my two favorite things. It was the best!

I was talking to The Knight about going to a ministry event today. I told him I felt so different going to this one than I have to ones in the past. In the last few months I have faced depression, problems with my kids, bitterness and hurt, and dealt with past demons I never thought I would see again. Through it all I can see how God is using it to change me into someone He can use, someone who will follow Him instead of trying to lead Him. That one point is the key I think. A few weeks ago, my pastor made the point that at some point in your walk with Jesus you reach a point where you have to decide. You have to choose. Are you going to continue trying to lead for God, or are you going to follow God?

I told The Knight this morning I think I am at that point in my life. Old hurts are healing. God is revealing Himself to me in little ways each day. It is up to me to make time for Him, and look for Him. I know I have pulled back in some areas, but I know God can still use me. I’ve begun to realize I can not do things the way I want to, and have the results I desire. I can’t keep leading the way.

For so long I prayed for boldness because I had none. I got too much, and went to prideful and uncompassionate on many levels. God has taken me, and pulled me back. He’s begun showing me the path of destruction I was headed down. He is good though. He has stopped me, and is beginning to pick up the pieces, and put me back together so I can accomplish His desires.

So today I am going to an event where there are going to be messed up people dealing with major issues and trying to just keep their heads above water right now. I will pray with any who want me to pray, but this time I will not pray as if I have the answers and they just need to get on board. This time, I will pray as one just as broken and needing God just as much.

I keep hearing this phrase lately- broken and poured out. Maybe it is what is happening with my soul. I don’t know. I do know whatever may come, God is the only one who can do what needs to be done. I am only a part of it, but I can do nothing without Him, all of Him.

I hear the verse: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” so much. When I’ve said this most of the time I’ve really meant, “I’ve made up my mind what I am going to do, and God will help me do it.” That’s not what I think it means anymore. Now it means, “Without Christ guiding me and strengthening me I can do nothing.”  I hope you see the difference, and I hope you see the difference in me.

“If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.”- Matthew 16:24

We’ve been on the run this week, and busy with school. It seems like it has been nonstop! The Princess had sewing yesterday and finished her bag project. Her teacher has take it home to embroider it. She’ll get it back at the next class, which is also her last one. I think we are both happy to know it is about finished, and sad too. She’s enjoyed it so much, and has really learned a lot.

Sports Guy has finally discovered reading for fun! He got Diary of a Wimpy Kid on Tuesday, and he’s almost finished it. I have never seen him stick with a book the way he has with this one. He really likes it. Yesterday I went looking for him, and  found him laying on the trampoline reading. He fell asleep reading last night! I love it!

On another note, we’re almost finished with school We’ve got less than three weeks left. We are taking a shorter summer break though. We have some things to catch up on and finish before we start a new school year. I have to admit, the kids are putting forth a much better effort since they found out about that.

As for me, I’ve been working in my garden, and trying my best to keep up with school. I’ve got one parsley, thyme, rosemary, oregano, basil, squash, pumpkin, and cucumber planted. I still have to get the tomatoes in the ground. I’m hoping to get that done this weekend sometime at the latest. I would like to get them planted tonight, but they’re calling for thunderstorms so I don’t know if that will happen.

I’m trying something new again for dinner. Yesterday I went to the grocery store and they had ground chuck on sale. I bought 5lbs. So now I have to actually cook something for dinner! What was I thinking?! Anyway, I went looking through my favorite cookbook and came up with two new recipes to try, Hamburger Quiche and Mexican Skillet Dinner. They both sound pretty good so I think I am going to give them a shot. I’ll go ahead and cook both today. Then I’ll be off the hook tomorrow, which will be great since it’s therapy day. Just hope everyone likes it!

I decided today I am going to look for some of the good things that have been happening in my life. I know I have really been focusing on the bad things lately, and I think it is time for a change. You see I feel like I’ve been wrestling with the devil, so to speak. I’ve been so focused on my struggles I haven’t had a chance to look at my praises. So here’s a short list of some good things that are happening!

• We’re almost finished with the school year. That means summer vacation is only a few short weeks away! I know we are all ready for it to begin.
• I’ve been able to have a short “Date” with the Knight once a week for the last few weeks. These short breaks have helped me hold onto what little sanity I still have. They’ve given us a time to re-connect. We’ve talked. We’ve laughed. We’ve enjoyed one another’s company.
• We’ve finally reached the point where we look forward to going to church together again. The last few years church has been a chore for everyone, and truly was work for The Knight. (He did the video for all of the services.)
• Sunday is now our family day. We’ve started going out to eat lunch on Sundays on a semi-regular basis. We’ve also begun doing things together. We’ve pitched tents in the backyard, went shopping, and went to the movies all in the last few weeks.

The fact is, even though there have been some hard struggles lately, there have also been some especially nice times. So, today, I am choosing not to look at the things which are difficult. Instead I am going to look for things to cherish, and enjoy every second I can.

I’m at a loss.

This is where the rubber meets the road.

I’ve been tossing so many ideas around in my head lately. Thinking about what the “right” thing to do is in certain situations, and fighting with what I “want” to do instead. As I’ve been listening to my pastor’s sermons lately I’ve been really convicted over things in my life. I have come to realize how little I thought I knew. I’ve been faced with  looking in the mirror at a person I hardly know anymore. I’ve been challenged to put up or shut up when it comes to following Christ, and my mind is warring against itself.

Every morning for the last three weeks I have woke up and thought, “Today is going to be different.” But so far, I’ve had three weeks of the same ole’ same ole’. In my mind I see myself getting my house in order. I see the kids, not fighting me so much. I see me getting back studying my Bible and spending time in prayer. Instead as the day winds down, I look back on a messy house, and grumpy kids, no time spent studying or praying, and once again I feel like a failure.

What is going on? Why is it so hard lately? I feel like I am in a battle in my mind 24/7. Last night was the first night I have gotten a decent nights sleep in almost a month, and even then I still had crazy dreams. It’s like I’m too exhausted to care about anything anymore. Yet, at the same time, things are making me more anxious than ever. I just don’t know what to do.

I did get some time yesterday to finally listen to my pastor’s sermon from this past Sunday, and I was faced with a hard truth. Maybe it is one of the reasons I have been struggling so much.

He said there are certain lines a follower of Christ can cross in his walk with Christ.

1. You have to realize you need Jesus. He is your Savior.
2. You want to follow Jesus as long as it is comfortable. (Ouch.)
3. You reach the point you are willing to stop leading for Him, and you lay down your life to follow Him.

If I was truthful, I would say I am stuck on #2. Whenever things get uncomfortable, I start questioning God. I start thinking maybe He is waiting on me to make everything alright. Which leads into the first part of #3. I seem to only want to lead for Him. I’m not so good at following when I don’t know what’s going to happen.

In John 21:22 Jesus is talking to Peter and says:

If I will that he (John) tarry til I come, what is that to thee? follow thou me.

So many times I’m just like Peter. I want to know the outcome of what God is calling me toward before I ever undertake it. I also want to know I am not alone. I want to know what others are doing, and I want to make sure if I am having to sacrifice, then others are too. But Jesus doesn’t call us to be like that. After all, He basically tells Peter, “What’s it to you if John lives forever. I told you what I want you to do.” He’s telling us all to trust Him when we can’t see the next step. (Exactly where I am right now.)  He’s telling us to travel the narrow road. He’s telling us to give up everything and follow Him. He’s calling us to a place we can not get to on our own. He’s calling us into His presence.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer once said:

When Christ calls a man, He bids him, Come and die.

Maybe that is what these last few weeks have been for me, a reawakening in my soul. Maybe all these struggles have been to show me I am nothing without Christ. Maybe He is calling me to let go of bondages and die to my sinfulness.

Galatians 2:20:

I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.

Maybe this time I am going through is like a refining fire. Maybe He is burning the dross off. Maybe I will be more like Him when all of this is done. I pray so. Right now, I just want to get through this. The old song “Trust and Obey” comes to mind.

“Trust and obey, for there’s no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.”

Like I said, where the rubber meets the road…